Presidential historian Bob Williams made an interesting discovery last week while doing some research on the 21st century, “I was reading about the 2004 election, and I discoved something shocking: George W. Bush is actually still the president,” said Williams.  Yes, apparently the grossly unpopular president is still in charge of things.  In fact, “he will be president for another four months.”

Mark Gidwitz was planning to retire early, about 40 years early.  Now, because of the recent financial crisis he is running out of money and looking for work.  “I can’t afford the rent for my penthouse,” said Gidwitz, ” It’s terrible, I just graduated college after 6 years, and I was planning to retire, do some jet-setting, maybe buy some apartment buildings but now it’s looking like I might have to get a job or move into a more modest place.”

Trust fund babies around the country are finding themselves short on dividends and cash.  Buoyed by effortless income their entire lives, they have no marketable skills.  This unskilled labor is now flooding the job market for pie-in-the-sky positions.  Julie Andrews is another heiress who has been hit hard by the financial crisis.  Said Andrews, “I was out having some breakfast cocktails with my girlfriends, when my financial adviser called to tell me that my checking account had dropped below $50,000 and that my stock holdings were down 40% year to date and that I needed a new source of income.  I asked him if I could just buy another company to make more money and he said I was out of money.  It was appalling. I’ve never heard language like this.”  Julie is now looking for work, but very few places pay six figures to sit around getting drunk and watching TV all day.  “This financial crises has hurt everyone, ” Andrews said, “but especially the lower-upper class who have been painfully reduced to upper-middle class.”

The real question is, how can America absorb all this useless labor as well as the sharp reduction in extravagant purchases.  Expert Tom Hankey says times are tough for America’s upper-tier retailers, “Without spoiled rich young-adults, Tiffany’s is going to have a hard time moving those blood-diamond-encrusted toothbrushes and other exorbitantly priced virtually-useless items.”  One crap-peddler is already feeling the pinch, Hammacher-Schlemmer.  According to CEO John Jonhson, there’s been a sharp reduction in sales, “We have an absolute glut of $300,000 personal jetpacks, I mean, what are we supposed to do with these things?” 

The labor market is feeling some pain too.  Larry Williams, headhunter at the federal reserve has been dealing with a surge in inane phone calls.  “Rich people who know nothing about money look at a dollar bill and see the words ‘federal reserve note,’ so they call us up asking where they can get more money.  They think we just hand it out.  I tell them that we don’t, unless of course you’re a failing bank.  But these phone calls are incessant, they’re keeping me from doing my job.”

All-in-all it’s been a rough year for the mildly-rich and crap-peddlers, but the human spirit is resilient.  Between our interview and this printing Ms. Andrews found a job.  “I’m working as a medical test subject, ” she said, “I usually pop pills all day anyway, so I’m just getting paid to do what I love.”  When asked if she thinks the market will ever rebound she offered a bit of hope, “I think it has to, America wouldn’t be America without millions of useless rich people living a life of leisure and contributing absolutely nothing to society.  That’s the American dream.”